The boys pop the champagne. Anushka gets the blame!

When Anushka Sharma was fried over Virat Kohli’s dismissal and India’s ouster from the world cup, I was not surprised. After all, this is hardly an aberration. Back in 1996, when India crashed out of the world cup semis losing to Sri Lanka, Sangeeta Bijlani, the Indian captain Azharuddin’s girl friend was similarly roasted. Bijlani was charged with much more unsavoury stuff: breaking Azhar’s home, corrupting the good man and subsequently getting him involved in betting. As for all the centuries that Virat scored or the political gains that Azharuddin made while the jinxed women have been in their lives; Come on! Our men are talented.

To be fair to our current breed of country men (and women who echo their voices) , the rhetoric has always been stacked against women. Our scriptures present sufficient proof of women waylaying the good men. Menoka ‘trapped’ an unsuspecting Vishwamitra, Kaikeyi felled the good king Dasarath, Ram had to banish his wife Seeta to validate himself as a king. The common refrain has been men are the supreme human beings; they go about achieving their super-ordinate goals and are generally successful unless a woman comes along distracting him and messing up with the lofty aims. So cultures around the world have placed a high premium on celibacy for men, making overt references to the corrupting influence of women. Any remote evidence of the existence of a wife of Jesus has been systematically wiped out. Islam decreed that women be covered so that they do not distract men going about winning the world. Our own sages have generally stayed away from women unless they were sent to impregnate one on the will of God or were seduced by the Apsaras.

Of course we were wise enough to realize that a man does need a wife or two or more to service his more fundamental instincts. He cannot go about winning the world on empty stomach, spend his nights with inflatable dolls or die without leaving a male heir. A woman is therefore needed. The veiled, inconspicuous character in the background. So marriage takes two human beings and grinds one of them, the woman to nothingness unless she is all but the shadow of a man. Her own identity gets tied to that of the husband or the male partner. She is the invisible half of the relationship who does not get much credit for the man’s success but is hauled over fire for the man’s shortcomings. The converse has not been true. Nobody blames Krishna for seducing a much-married Radha before leaving her for good. Nobody imagines blaming Virat Kohli if Anushka’s movie flops. Or Amitabh Bacchan for an immensely talented Jaya Bhaduri going off the screen.

Yet the paradox is that relationships and marriages have always worked much better for men than from women. Statistics show that married men live longer, suffer less depression and alcoholism and are more successful than their single counterparts. Exactly the opposite is true for women: more depression, less career success and hence less earning potential and reduced life span. Trends that the American journalist and author, Elizabeth Gilbert, summed up as the “Marriage Benefit Imbalance” in her book Committed. The imbalance gets multiplied many times in our overtly macho and misogynistic culture. A culture which refuses to recognize marital rape as a cognizable offence is hardly expected to acknowledge the distinct identity of the wife or the girl friend. And the more strongly they try to assert their identity; the sharper will be the backlash. Anushka is no veiled wallflower who lives in the shadow of her man. She is smart, independent and cerebral and is as comfortable holding her boy friend’s hands as doing unconventional movies. Little surprising that she becomes the favourite roast of a nation which still sings its odes to celibacy and non-romantic love. While expecting warm food on the table, crisply ironed shirts laid out on the bed and the all-consenting breeding machines to ensure the perpetuity of an imperfect race. You brazenly break the stereotype? Then live with the abuse. It was your choice, you see!

30 Pros of Having a Bong Neighbour

1. Never run out of pink Jaylusils– The Bong loves to eat. And he would rather pop his Jaylusil than Jaywalk (or any other form of walk) to digest all the elaborate meals he eats. Borrow one when you need.
2. Or cough syrup – The Bong’s fear of cold is legendary. So he will always be stacked with generous doses of cough syrup that can cure coughs of any intensity
3. Don’t mind the fish. Just keep the Room Freshener handy – The fish raises a stink especially if the household loves the infamous sutki. Believe me, you could have done worse
4. Be treated to Bajarer tholi in multiple colours – How seriously the Bong takes his eating is evident from how seriously he takes his weekly shopping. So he has neatly color-coded bags for the vegetables, the mutton and the fish. Admire the art work
5. Watch the nakhras of Chapar ma – The Bengali mem sahib loves her maid in waiting. And for some reason the maid’s original name is forgotten and she is fondly called Chapar maa after a largely absent Chapa. Chapar ma almost wields as much influence and has as much style as mem sahib.
6. They own the neighbourhood library under one roof – Every respectable bong household will have the ‘Boi er Almari’. The phoren returned bong will insist calling it ‘Almirah’. If you are borrowing a book, make sure you return it wrapped in brown paper. So that the favors continue
7. The tantalizing aroma of Kasundi – Or the mustard sauce. It is worth making friends with a Bong for just this. You are forgiven if you smuggle it out under a shawl
8. A pretty, fiery Bong teen for a neighbour – Brush up on your Karl Marx and your annual marks before dating her though
9. And her Mom – The Bengali boudi who wears back-less blouses and sports large Bindis will make most men go weak in their knees. It isn’t a crime to ogle as long as you do it tastefully
10. The good Dada – The Bengali dada is the most affable neighbour if you can tolerate his psychoanalysis of every incident occurring in this universe. From Pinochet to Pinochio he has an opinion on everything. Barring that, he is pretty harmless.
11. The melodious morning alarm – Every Bong household has atleast one person who can sing. So you wake up to fusion Rabindra Sangeet. Well better than Honey Singh’s vodka anyday
12. Someone who can tell you how Bymkesh Bakshi is pronounced – So that you claim your intellectual right to watch the sleuth in action
13. The India’s got talent household – Not just a singer. An average bong household will also have a painter, a writer, a dancer, a debator, an orator, an alligator. Ok the last is a typo
14. No sweat over your PhD thesis – You only have to keep dada in good humour. And never call Boudi aunty
15. The introduction to the mysterious world of Bengali dak naam – You will hear the doting Bengali mom call her kids by an amazing variety of names. You may finally start piecing together why a boy is called ‘Pompa’
16. Even the dogs have elaborate names – What do you call your dog? Tommy. Learn from the Bong boudi. She will have a 108 imaginative names for her beloved dog
17. The mishtir thala – The Bong will feed you with special Kolkata sweets on every good occasion. Which is usually 12 times a year. Because his kids will keep acing all exams.
18. The occasional torko – To fight or quarrel are above Bong sensibilities. But yes he loves his refined torko. If that degenerates into a fist-fight, it isn’t really the same thing.
19. The football fundas – Never slip on the difference between Messi and Ronaldo again. The Bong guys have all the stats
20. The walking versions of Quora.com – Have a question? The Bong has an answer. Period
21. Referee the Ghoti-Bangal debate – If you have a neighbour from East Bengal and one from West, you will be caught in the constant verbal exchange between them. You can choose to be martyred. Or choose to watch the fun
22. The 50 lessons of being a bhadralok – Learn the nuances of babugiri from the Bengali bhadralok. Complete with the koncha
23. Learn to play the dhak – Move over guitar, playing the dhak is uber cool. Every Bong can or atleast pretends to play the dhak. Pick up a treat.
24. Caste no bar – The liberal Bong will not mind who you are, where are you from. As long as you love him
25. Generous dose of Sabdhanis – The bong uncle lives in eternal fear of being robbed, mobbed, kidnapped or teleported. His many locks on his door will inspire you to be a little more cautious too. A handy trait in today’s world
26. The annual function is taken care of – Outsource all the annual day cultural stuff to your Bong neighbours and put your feet up. They are good natured and broad minded enough to accommodate one Daler Mehndi number. They will draw the line at Mika though.
27. You will be relentlessly tortured about the proper meaning of nyaka – But thank your stars that that’s where most Bong expletives stop.
28. Sail through all local quiz competitions with your neighbour in tow. The collective bong GK shames the Wikipedia
29. The Dada vs Dada fights – You have your Sachin. He has his Sourav. The fights can be entertaining ways of beating the blues after India’s loss in every third overseas match
30. No gain without pen – The Bongs love their literature. Outsource all your writing (you may get away with sneaking in the laundry list) to him and catch the afternoon nap

Asche Bochor Uber Hobe – The Malaise of a ‘Chalta Hai’ Country

The ban on uber was a tad surprising but a not altogether unexpected move. We are infamous for knee jerk reactions. All the metal detectors that are installed after every bomb blast. All the dustbins that are emptied sometime on crowded roads raising a stink if not help nab the culprit. All the sand bags that are positioned in front of hotels after gun men storm them. All buses are installed with CCTVs after a woman is brutalized in one of them and left to die. Of course things soon return to normal and are attributed to our enormous resilience. The metal detectors stop working, the dustbins overflow with filth and a bomb may get thrown in with nobody noticing, the police posted on the sandbags look inadequately armed because obviously the funding can be better used elsewhere. And the CCTVs are vandalized leaving women at the mercy of lecherous men. With the collective rise of hashtag activism and the crowd conscience, the kneejerk reactions have become stronger. Add to it the myth of a strong government that desperately needs substantiation. So while Uber may have escaped with a rap on the knuckles earlier, it is now banned. Questions of course remain. Will the government also ban several other less famous taxi operators who flout as many if not more rules as Uber? Will it crack down on the unholy nexus of touts , police and travel officials which routinely dole out fake licenses, character certificates etc? Will the government also show a strong backbone in dealing with global giants who carelessly flout all norms in our third world country – a KFC for eg selling rice with artificial colours not suitable for consumption? Will the government ensure that serial offenders such as Shiv Kumar Yadav are properly tagged and not just let to wander at abandon? We know the answers. As soon as the media attention on this one wanes, and that also we are told this day is controlled depending who is benefiting and who is paying the price for the attention, things will return to normal. And we will have sickening tributes to our strength, our courage, our resilience. Spare us those tributes. Because what you call strength is the weakness of a country which has long ago stopped believing in fairness and justice, what you call resilience is our collective helplessness, what manifests as courage is a false bravado hiding each of our fears of being killed, maimed, raped by a callous system. The country of course goes on propped by a false sense of pride in our ‘jugaad’, in our ‘Chalta Hai’ attitude. For such a country symptomatic reactions such as banning Uber is enough. Beyond that it depends on your skills or rather your luck on how suited you are to survive the jungle. This makes me think of an example in a slightly different context. If you have been in Bengal during a Durga Puja, you would have invariably joined in the optimistic ‘Asche bochor abar hobe’ renditions on Dasami or the immersion day. In a chalta hai country that same refrain plays in my mind with a drastically opposite effect, a kind of numb, cold fear. For I know for sure the rape in a taxi or a bus or a building will happen again, that freak poisoning of a dozen women in a hospital will happen again, the children will die again, the terrorists will come again. The only difference is tomorrow it may be me. Die another day.

Bong Nama – 10 reasons why you should not take on a Bong

Rice Gun – Move over taser. Move over chloroform. This is a more sure-fire, slow killer. If you have to fight a duel with a bong, never accept an invitation of one last meal. He will stuff you and stuff you with rice and then gently behead you when you snore. ( Ok bongs never behead. They just scare you that they will)

Poetry – If the rice has not worked, the bong will try poetry. If you survive, you can make it to Mangalyaan without any further medical tests.

Cha – One advantage that a bong has and you do not have is his infinite pool of energy. Thanks to the gallons of tea he drinks. So if you are fighting with a bong, never grant him a tea – break.

Kaal-Char – Everytime a bong is losing a battle he will unleash Kaalchaar on you. And while you try to understand what will happen at 4 tomorrow, he will prove that you have as much kaalchaar to fill his chayer cup. There you lose. Period.

Muffler – Every kungfu bong’s lethal weapon. Till the time it is around his neck you are safe. A bit like that cobra around Shiv’s neck. No one has seen this but legend has it a bong and his muffler can conquer the world.

Baak-Lash – What he lacks in brawn, he makes up in baak. By the time he is through with his word play, you think boxing is cake walk

Batar juto – The Bong is faithful. He has stuck to the same old Batar juto for 50 years. So the Bata shoe also never deserts him. And don’t underestimate that Batar jutos kick. All Bongs are unsuccessful football players.

Fish Bone – The Punjabis have their kirpans. We have our macher kanta. Try arguing with a vicious bone stuck in your throat. Try. Try.

Bowdi – If the Bong guy cannot win his war with you, he will unleash his wife on you. Yes the Boudi. And no matter what sleazy Wildstone ads have led you to believe, seducing a bong woman is tougher than seducing the yeti. And she does not take kindly to her husband being insaalted. Only she has that right. Take a bow, faithful wife!

His Maa – The last ace in his sleeve. This is when the boudi has been finally seduced and won over. But nothing will turn the mother against her son. She defends him more ferociously than our PM irons his kurtas. You might as well put your tail between your legs and run!

City of Bhoy

Bhoy hoy. Sotti khub bhoy hoy. Rate aka berote. Airport theke taxite uthte. Amonki Gariahater more autor jonno darate. Rast sobe dosta. Akhono rastaye lok ache. Kintu ora keu asbe na. Chitkar kore  Dakleo na. Ar tarpor sobai ak jot hoye bolbe sajano ghotona. Rate aka dariyechilo. Kharap Meye. Tai bhoy hoy.

Yes I feel scared. An emotion I had never felt in Kolkata when I spent my student life here. Frustration, despair, exasperation maybe. At a lazy, languorous city which stopped to breathe in, to smell the flowers to feel the breeze where the Delhi’s and the Mumbai’s rushed on. Yet the city had an identity, a fiercely rebellious yet surprisingly warm one differentiated by its passionate love for poetry, food, festivals. The city probably lost out on the bottom lines but more than made up with its warmth, its intellect, its cultural capital. And surpassing everything was its compassion. The city never walked past a dying accident victim. Stood up and protested when a girl was hooted at. Hurried to help the old man cross the street. And then suddenly everything changed. The city promised a metamorphosis. Everyone waited with bated breath. They waited to see the lithe butterfly with the colours of tradition and the wings of change. What emerged instead was an ugly mess of screaming inhumanity. That has over the last years destroyed everything the city stood for. Women are raped and then declared as prostitutes while the criminals are pardoned as ‘little boys’. Students are beaten and the unrepentant administration calls it the ‘just desserts’. People lie dying on the roads while the city nonchalantly works by. The city seems to have surgically removed its soul and gifted it to the devil. The devil that Durga promises to kill every year. While the ‘parar chele’ goes about with his extortion in her name. And tugs at the frightened girl’s dupatta as he does. The city merely looks the other way.

Tai bhoy hoy. For a long time, I have been afraid. Afraid of coming back to the city. Afraid of raising my voice. And then when I had given up, a glimmer of hope resolutely broke through.  That the city has found its voice. The soulful voice that defined it. Which sings, not abuses in protest. That is why #hokkolorob is resonating with the hearts of millions of people who have loved the city. Who are clinging on to the slogan with the last strands of hope. The city has not sold its soul to the devil, yet.

Picture Credit: Ronny Sen

25 reasons why there is no city like Kolkata

1. Victoria’s badamvaja – You do not quite get romance unless you have eaten badam vaja(peanuts fried) together at Victoria
2. A ride to remember– Try taking a boat ride on the ganga. Yes a row boat. And watch the sun slowly rise. You will believe in god
3. The Kumartuli magic – God exists in the details. In the wrinkled hand of the old artisan. Visit this village when they are putting finishing touches to the goddess. As close as you can get to divinity.
4. The Durga Puja carnival – Everyone heading to Rio, we have a carnival here. Fiery. Loud. Divine. Magical. Raunchy. Feisty.
5. The long list of other pujas – No, we are not really religious. We just have that one trait called ‘Hujug’. (Enthusiasm is the less profane translation)
6. Hujug – The birthright of the city. The city gets the Hujug attack over everything – including Iran scoring a goal against USA in Brazil. Do not sneer. We also know Brazil, Iran and USA’s capitals.
7. Football – We play it rough. We play it tough. We play football. It is more than a game. It is war.
8. Eden Gardens – Dada may have taken his shirt off at Lord’s but it is Eden that is his home-ground. No one cheers like Eden
9. The Rock Stars – Nothing to do with WWF. Or Ranvir Kapoor. Rock is where Kolkata solves all of the global problems. Who should be the next president of USA? How can Messi score? Ask the Rock-star
10. Bumba da – The man who has played a college kid far longer than half of Kokata’s population has gone to college. Jokes apart, he is not just one of Bengali cinema’s but India’s finest actor.
11. Mrs Sen – She still gives teenaged boys butterflies in their stomachs. The daughters have gone places but it is the mom you should still meet
12. The Ray legacy – Calcutta (and West Bengal) have given some of India’s finest film makers – Satyajit ray, Mrinal Sen, Ritwik Ghotok, Rituparno Ghosh, Aparna Sen. Cinema happens here. The rest try.
13. Aba(ng)la nari – Abala, did you say? The bong girls are a total antithesis. They are hot, intelligent and keep you guessing. As your mother would warn you ‘Stay Away’.
14. Cholchena Cholbena – Kolkata is rebel at heart. It takes a very low trigger to get us on the streets. Yeah not the best work culture but perfects your ability to think of impromptu slogans. And shout ‘Big Brother’ or ‘Big Sister’ down
15. The mush – The city cries easily. It takes little to make us sentimental. Tell a kolkatan an emotional story about your dog running away with your neighbour’s. And he will be your friend for life
16. Retro Metro – Most people in Delhi and Mumbai were not even born when we rolled our first metro. Grow up, boys!
17. Telebhaja – The Kolkata’s street food will keep you shamelessly salivating. And begging for more. We understand.
18. The sucrose overdose – The mishtis come in all shapes and sizes. And assault your senses. Combine the lankar boda with the roshogolla. And watch your taste buds go on wild swings!
19. The hawkers of gariahat – You will need a bottle of Bisleri and a hat pakha to cool you down after the haggling. But nothing beats the satisfaction as haggling successfully with the hawkers of Gariahat
20. Bishleri. Coco Cola – That’s how we pronounce things. We add the h’s and the o’s and make even Shhokti Kopoor sound sweet
21. The hippies of Park Street – Punk. Rock. Blues. They don’t sing or swing like this anywhere else
22. The jholas of college street – Complemented by thick glasses. And endless bhars of cha. The city stamps its claim on intellect. Almost
23. Fuchka – If you conduct a tax raid at these fuchkawalla’s home, you may have a Reliance Fuchka equivalent. If you can beat the queues, you can taste manna.
24. The cultural mash-up – The city for all its failings is a warm host. You co-exist for ages without being asked your religion or caste.
25. Dada ektu chapun – The city’s capacity for adjustment is legendary. The ‘Ektu Chapun dada’ can pack a football team into an ambassador. Along with the extras.

Neighbors from hell

There are 2 things that the country runs on – josh and padosh. Imagine how dreary our existence would have been if we had no padosi or padosan. No peeping into their homes. No fighting over whose kid is the best. No competition on who has the biggest TV. No wake-up call at midnight asking for shoe polish. And though these may be neighbours from hell, there needs to be a ‘Save the neighbors’ movement. To preserve the last desi thing standing after globalization. Life is dull unless you have neighbours like this

 

Chand Ka Tukda – The hot girl or boy who lives in the house opposite. Who as part of their teasing game does the morning push-ups or brushes the hair on the balcony. But trust me, they will always like your best friend who just dropped in your place for a day. And you have to spend the rest of your life wat chingyour best friend and the ‘chand ka tukda’ romance on the balcony opposite.

 

The Sakkar wali aunty – There will always be that one aunty who runs out of sakkar every other day. You are never sure if she really needs the sugar or is again making sure your TV is 1 and a 1/2 inches smaller than hers. Either way your sugar bill beats the electricity bill. Like god said ‘Love your neighbours’.

 

 

 

The sak-karne wali aunty (or uncle) – The species that puts most conspiracy theorists to shame. They spend considerable amount of time snooping on their spouses and Mrs Khanna. Their houses are heavily curtained with a small opening from where they train their periscope and no body steps out of their house without a black tika

The spy kids – The well-informed family that always knows whats happening in the padosh. And keep everyone else informed. If only Mr Singh had listened to their friendly warnings, Humpty would not have eloped with Dumpty. They will know more about you, your non-existent love life, your job, your boss than the NSA could ever know about people on their list.

The naughty kid and the screaming parents – Every moholla has that absolutely intolerable kid who breaks windows, trips people and says ‘Boo’, scares away the chowkidaar and beats up all other kids. You may have forgiven this kid if not for the parents. The thumb rule is the loudness of the parents is exponentially proportional to the naughtiness of the kid. Which will make sure that no one dares point a finger at Babloo.

The ‘Bhrastologer’ – Every padosh has an amateur astrologer who claims to predict your fate with a near perfect accuracy. You hate him from the day he predicted that you will be passed over for promotion again and there is no immediate yog for marriage. You think his is only an act to get  the women drooling over him.

The peace-maker – The one elderly ‘sarpanch’ who brokers peace between Baloo’s amma and Guddi’s papa. He is a valuable asset to any padosh- there would have been pitched battles in every moholla otherwise severely straining our inadequate police-force. You would have liked the self-appointed sarpanch if you did not have to endure his sermon on declining values after every fight.

The hell-raiser – The macho boy who raises hell every morning as he starts his new bike. This is after you could not sleep last night because the ‘kewl’ party at his home

The Fling-stones – The grumpy neighbours who are perennially annoyed and are thin-skinned enough to get disturbed by anything.. They will knock your doors loudly at 2 am. And declared they are getting disturbed. By you watching TV on the mute.

The neighborhood romance – The lovey-dovey couple. Who surprises you at the unlikeliest places. The dimly lit parking lot. The terrace. The neighborhood park. You would have endured their ‘coochie-coos’ if your love life did not suck as much.

The ‘Chance pe Dance’ – That one super-enthusiastic man or woman who was born to sing and dance. She will scoop you off your bed on holi, insist you go berserk on Diwali and make sure you dance in each moholla function despite looking ridiculous.

The curious cat – ‘Why haven’t you got married yet?’ ‘When will you get kids?’ ‘How much does your son earn?’ Facing the FBI will be cake-walk after facing your nosey-neighbors.

The cat-owner- – Yes, of course. You love animals too. But hate the large log being late lose you decided to take the rare stroll around the park. Or tripping over the dozen cats who give you nasty grins. All in front of your own front-door.

The ‘Mere paas bangla hai, car hai’ – And you cannot even respond with a ‘Mere paas ma hai’ because that pompous idiot has a pompous mom who goes about decked in diamonds. You suspect those are all artificial diamonds and the money is all black money. Yeah, grapes are sour!

Damn It – IT Jargons demystified for the common man

I am innovating – I am control C’ing and control V’ing and changing the font

Bug – The raison d’être for a multi-billion dollar industry And the 999^th upgrade

Upgrade – A new app which will replace the old app. And make all systems crash. So that you need more upgrades. Without understanding why they did the first upgrade.

Jargon – The universal mother-tongue. Somewhat like the emperor’s new clothes. Only the initiated and the intelligent understand

Cutting edge solution – The application comes with automatic pop-ups. That correctly do not work when you have pop-up blockers on. See the science!

Issue – The cue to run around like headless chickens

Delivery – Nothing to do with the labor room. And in their scary world, you have the issue first then do the delivery.

Business transformation – Changing the password box to display dots instead of stars. To align with the democratic times

Onsite – The magical land where the stars are sent

Offshore – The underbelly where the rest are doomed to live

MBA – The revenge. If you got overlooked for the onsite yet again

Customer – The ‘you know who’ whose name is supposed to be reverently uttered

Managers – The ones with the privilege to shake the customer’s hand

Work under pressure – Ability to solve an issue at 2 am. When the manager, the senior manager, the assistant manager, the general manager and the assistant general manager are breathing on the phone

100% commitment – You can come as you like. You will go as they like

Risk Assessment – A balanced assessment of whether you should drop the 1001st comment line

Meetings – The recursive things where they earlier served free coffee

Coffee – The earlier free thing which you have to now raise a requisition for or do a BYOC

BYOD – The novel scheme where your device is the chosen one to test all apps. You are expected to show proper gratitude

Con Call – The call where you never understand kaun is conning kaun

Expert – The one who has read 16 ‘’How to be an expert in 16 hours” documents in a 16 hour flight

The Guru – The one who reads the same documents in an 18 hour flight

Thought Leadership – The ability to rephrase your competitor. And add a 2.0 at the end.

Environment friendly – Calling all juniors to work on weekends. And thoughtfully switching off the AC.

Cost optimization – Giving you a 0.75% raise. And proving you deserved .74% only

Raise – The lift you are supposed to give your chair every morning. All other raises are mythical

Performance Bonus – The ugly mug with the company logo. And you are supposed to smile while they all click a photo

Incentive – When they give you 2 ugly mugs in a year

Appraisal – Where they will use your data to prove you are a failure

Promotion meetings – Where they will use their data to prove you are a failure

Photography – The crucial differentiator in 99.9% CVS. The remaining .1% list advanced photography

Leave – Censored dirty talk

Long Leave – Life ban attracting dirty talk

I need a life – Ok. Enough. You have a life ban. Now go get a life. ( Said with the proper snigger)

Dish-Calmer – All the IT guys. Before you throw dishes at me. You might want to call a meeting and decide who throws the first dish. On a serious note there are some brilliant work going on there. Yes, I am absolutely sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

52 reasons why we do not understand men

And you thought women were inscrutable!

1. Why they never leave the seat down but threaten divorce over the seat not left up?

2. Why does he have an opinion on everything?

3. Why would he have 10 solutions before you finish your sentence yet blame you for not listening?

4. Why despite being such great map readers they always arrive harried?

5. why are they all macho during the day but wouldnt get up to check a noise at night?

6. Why they will flex their muscles unless you have to shift the furniture?
7. Why they will endlessly gossip about gossiping women yet claim they do not gossip?

8. Why will they secretly apply your sunscreen yet argue over you spending too much on cosmetics?

9. Why will they be the first to fill the mirror slot yet blame you for getting late?

10. Why is ‘lets be friends’ to them always an innuendo?

11. How between thinking about women and football they claim to solve all of the worlds problems?

12. Why can they fix the world but not your hair dryer?

13. Why do they pretend to know everything until the kid has exams?

14. Why would he date hot girls but marries someone who can make round rotis?

15.Why does he consider himself eligible bachelor for anything secreting estrogen?

16. Why is he always confused? Despite the gps!

17.Why is his ego fragile enough to break even if the person you are praising is the family dog?

18. Why does he actually buy Axe bottles while scoffing at the ads?

19.Why does he spend hours before the mirror and then ruffles up his hair to make it look casual?

20. Why would he ogle at Sunny Leone but expect his would be bride to be pure.( as if he is marrying a bottle of ghee)?

21.Why is manliness such a touchy subject?

22. Why despite claiming to ace Mathematics, he overpays the milkman?

23. Why can he remember the hot girls number but forget the keys?

24. Why will he happily give up the corner seat in a bus but not his corner on the sofa?

25. Why will he don Yellow paints and root for Brazil yet wonder why is Messi not playing?

26. Why would he always fall for your best friend?

27. Why despite backing female issues, they will fret about the cheeni kam in the morning tea?

28. Why will they endlessly speak about their biceped past but not lift one exercising leg in the present?

29. Why will they hate your mother?

30. Why will they be so scared of their own?

31. Why will playing Angry Birds on mobile be a man thing?

32. Why will they have helmets in all colors yet blame you for the shopping bills?

33. Why do they blame all their faults on Eves apple?

34. Why is coming first so important even if it is a game of leisurely ludo with the computer?

35. Why will he never commit but see red if you date other men?

36. Why would he be obsessed about other mens’ car size, salaries and wives?

37. Why would he still call women the jealous sex?

38. Why would he pretend to be a gizmo freak but not know where the restart button is?

39. Why is the obvious to him always so complicated?

40. Why at 50 he still fancies a chance with his nieces dance teacher?

41. Why he tells long stories about winning marathons but never completes a round in the morning jog?

42.Why can he not get sarcasm?

43. Why the only signals he can get are the traffic lights?

44 Why is s ‘see you’ a ‘sexually potent’ conversation to him and he assumes it will lead to an intimate elevator date?(Any resemblance to Tejpal is coincidental)

45. Why does he claim to solve the Rubik Cube but can never beat you in tic tac toe?

46.Why does he love jargons? Like Dissipated pressure for a punctured cycle?

47.Why does he snatch the remote but snores through half the match?

48. Why will he claim to be a soccer expert while never being able to explain offside in simple words?

49. Why would he be an expert in everything and still call the mechanic?

50. Why would he then bully the poor mechanic who clearly knows better?

51.Why would he say he has no problem with your guy friends and then be superbly awkward around them?

52. Why do not they just go to the loo together and sort things out?

Do not give me a day. Give me the universe

  You have given me a day. Stood outside my home with a red rose. Given me gifts that promised me transformation, happiness and nirvana. You invited me to dainty events where you lavished attention on me. You were perfect. And i was touched. But not moved. Because i am greedy. And ambitious. And demanding. Everything my mother was not. Everything you thought the woman shouldnt be. But living in an imperfect world, i developed and now enjoy a zest, a lust, a hunger for more than a labelled day. For more than women seats. For more than the corner you condescendingly offer me. I want the universe. The open skies. The rough waters. And while i thank you for your protective hand and your word of wisdom, i still say No thanks and go to face it all on my might. I make mistakes and i demand acceptance. I knock on doors and I demand them to be opened. I take off the veil and demand the sunlight. I look up and demand the appreciative glance of the world. I walk with you and demand the space. The wide, open world. Not secluded spaces where you want to keep me safe. And exclusive. For i do not ask for exclusivity. Not  trophies. Not your attention. Not your curiousity. Not your patronage. Not your well-meaning labelled day. My ask is simple. All i ask for is the universe.