Monthly Archives: April 2014

Damn It – IT Jargons demystified for the common man

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I am innovating – I am control C’ing and control V’ing and changing the font

Bug – The raison d’être for a multi-billion dollar industry And the 999th upgrade

Upgrade – A new app which will replace the old app. And make all systems crash. So that you need more upgrades. Without understanding why they did the first upgrade.

Jargon – The universal mother-tongue. Somewhat like the emperor’s new clothes. Only the initiated and the intelligent understand

Cutting edge solution – The application comes with automatic pop-ups. That correctly do not work when you have pop-up blockers on. See the science!

Issue – The cue to run around like headless chickens

Delivery – Nothing to do with the labor room. And in their scary world, you have the issue first then do the delivery.

Business transformation – Changing the password box to display dots instead of stars. To align with the democratic times

Onsite – The magical land where the stars are sent

Offshore – The underbelly where the rest are doomed to live

MBA – The revenge. If you got overlooked for the onsite yet again

Customer – The ‘you know who’ whose name is supposed to be reverently uttered

Managers – The ones with the privilege to shake the customer’s hand

Work under pressure – Ability to solve an issue at 2 am. When the manager, the senior manager, the assistant manager, the general manager and the assistant general manager are breathing on the phone

100% commitment – You can come as you like. You will go as they like

Risk Assessment – A balanced assessment of whether you should drop the 1001st comment line

Meetings – The recursive things where they earlier served free coffee

Coffee – The earlier free thing which you have to now raise a requisition for or do a BYOC

BYOD – The novel scheme where your device is the chosen one to test all apps. You are expected to show proper gratitude

Con Call – The call where you never understand kaun is conning kaun

Expert – The one who has read 16 ‘’How to be an expert in 16 hours” documents in a 16 hour flight

The Guru – The one who reads the same documents in an 18 hour flight

Thought Leadership – The ability to rephrase your competitor. And add a 2.0 at the end.

Environment friendly – Calling all juniors to work on weekends. And thoughtfully switching off the AC.

Cost optimization – Giving you a 0.75% raise. And proving you deserved .74% only

Raise – The lift you are supposed to give your chair every morning. All other raises are mythical

Performance Bonus – The ugly mug with the company logo. And you are supposed to smile while they all click a photo

Incentive – When they give you 2 ugly mugs in a year

Appraisal – Where they will use your data to prove you are a failure

Promotion meetings – Where they will use their data to prove you are a failure

Photography – The crucial differentiator in 99.9% CVS. The remaining .1% list advanced photography

Leave – Censored dirty talk

Long Leave – Life ban attracting dirty talk

I need a life – Ok. Enough. You have a life ban. Now go get a life. ( Said with the proper snigger)

Dish-Calmer – All the IT guys. Before you throw dishes at me. You might want to call a meeting and decide who throws the first dish. On a serious note there are some brilliant work going on there. Yes, I am absolutely sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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52 reasons why we do not understand men

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And you thought women were inscrutable!

1. Why they never leave the seat down but threaten divorce over the seat not left up?

2. Why does he have an opinion on everything?

3. Why would he have 10 solutions before you finish your sentence yet blame you for not listening?

4. Why despite being such great map readers they always arrive harried?

5. why are they all macho during the day but wouldnt get up to check a noise at night?

6. Why they will flex their muscles unless you have to shift the furniture?
7. Why they will endlessly gossip about gossiping women yet claim they do not gossip?

8. Why will they secretly apply your sunscreen yet argue over you spending too much on cosmetics?

9. Why will they be the first to fill the mirror slot yet blame you for getting late?

10. Why is ‘lets be friends’ to them always an innuendo?

11. How between thinking about women and football they claim to solve all of the worlds problems?

12. Why can they fix the world but not your hair dryer?

13. Why do they pretend to know everything until the kid has exams?

14. Why would he date hot girls but marries someone who can make round rotis?

15.Why does he consider himself eligible bachelor for anything secreting estrogen?

16. Why is he always confused? Despite the gps!

17.Why is his ego fragile enough to break even if the person you are praising is the family dog?

18. Why does he actually buy Axe bottles while scoffing at the ads?

19.Why does he spend hours before the mirror and then ruffles up his hair to make it look casual?

20. Why would he ogle at Sunny Leone but expect his would be bride to be pure.( as if he is marrying a bottle of ghee)?

21.Why is manliness such a touchy subject?

22. Why despite claiming to ace Mathematics, he overpays the milkman?

23. Why can he remember the hot girls number but forget the keys?

24. Why will he happily give up the corner seat in a bus but not his corner on the sofa?

25. Why will he don Yellow paints and root for Brazil yet wonder why is Messi not playing?

26. Why would he always fall for your best friend?

27. Why despite backing female issues, they will fret about the cheeni kam in the morning tea?

28. Why will they endlessly speak about their biceped past but not lift one exercising leg in the present?

29. Why will they hate your mother?

30. Why will they be so scared of their own?

31. Why will playing Angry Birds on mobile be a man thing?

32. Why will they have helmets in all colors yet blame you for the shopping bills?

33. Why do they blame all their faults on Eves apple?

34. Why is coming first so important even if it is a game of leisurely ludo with the computer?

35. Why will he never commit but see red if you date other men?

36. Why would he be obsessed about other mens’ car size, salaries and wives?

37. Why would he still call women the jealous sex?

38. Why would he pretend to be a gizmo freak but not know where the restart button is?

39. Why is the obvious to him always so complicated?

40. Why at 50 he still fancies a chance with his nieces dance teacher?

41. Why he tells long stories about winning marathons but never completes a round in the morning jog?

42.Why can he not get sarcasm?

43. Why the only signals he can get are the traffic lights?

44 Why is s ‘see you’ a ‘sexually potent’ conversation to him and he assumes it will lead to an intimate elevator date?(Any resemblance to Tejpal is coincidental)

45. Why does he claim to solve the Rubik Cube but can never beat you in tic tac toe?

46.Why does he love jargons? Like Dissipated pressure for a punctured cycle?

47.Why does he snatch the remote but snores through half the match?

48. Why will he claim to be a soccer expert while never being able to explain offside in simple words?

49. Why would he be an expert in everything and still call the mechanic?

50. Why would he then bully the poor mechanic who clearly knows better?

51.Why would he say he has no problem with your guy friends and then be superbly awkward around them?

52. Why do not they just go to the loo together and sort things out?