I am innovating – I am control C’ing and control V’ing and changing the font
Bug – The raison d’être for a multi-billion dollar industry And the 999th upgrade
Upgrade – A new app which will replace the old app. And make all systems crash. So that you need more upgrades. Without understanding why they did the first upgrade.
Jargon – The universal mother-tongue. Somewhat like the emperor’s new clothes. Only the initiated and the intelligent understand
Cutting edge solution – The application comes with automatic pop-ups. That correctly do not work when you have pop-up blockers on. See the science!
Issue – The cue to run around like headless chickens
Delivery – Nothing to do with the labor room. And in their scary world, you have the issue first then do the delivery.
Business transformation – Changing the password box to display dots instead of stars. To align with the democratic times
Onsite – The magical land where the stars are sent
Offshore – The underbelly where the rest are doomed to live
MBA – The revenge. If you got overlooked for the onsite yet again
Customer – The ‘you know who’ whose name is supposed to be reverently uttered
Managers – The ones with the privilege to shake the customer’s hand
Work under pressure – Ability to solve an issue at 2 am. When the manager, the senior manager, the assistant manager, the general manager and the assistant general manager are breathing on the phone
100% commitment – You can come as you like. You will go as they like
Risk Assessment – A balanced assessment of whether you should drop the 1001st comment line
Meetings – The recursive things where they earlier served free coffee
Coffee – The earlier free thing which you have to now raise a requisition for or do a BYOC
BYOD – The novel scheme where your device is the chosen one to test all apps. You are expected to show proper gratitude
Con Call – The call where you never understand kaun is conning kaun
Expert – The one who has read 16 ‘’How to be an expert in 16 hours” documents in a 16 hour flight
The Guru – The one who reads the same documents in an 18 hour flight
Thought Leadership – The ability to rephrase your competitor. And add a 2.0 at the end.
Environment friendly – Calling all juniors to work on weekends. And thoughtfully switching off the AC.
Cost optimization – Giving you a 0.75% raise. And proving you deserved .74% only
Raise – The lift you are supposed to give your chair every morning. All other raises are mythical
Performance Bonus – The ugly mug with the company logo. And you are supposed to smile while they all click a photo
Incentive – When they give you 2 ugly mugs in a year
Appraisal – Where they will use your data to prove you are a failure
Promotion meetings – Where they will use their data to prove you are a failure
Photography – The crucial differentiator in 99.9% CVS. The remaining .1% list advanced photography
Leave – Censored dirty talk
Long Leave – Life ban attracting dirty talk
I need a life – Ok. Enough. You have a life ban. Now go get a life. ( Said with the proper snigger)
Dish-Calmer – All the IT guys. Before you throw dishes at me. You might want to call a meeting and decide who throws the first dish. On a serious note there are some brilliant work going on there. Yes, I am absolutely sure.