30 Pros of Having a Bong Neighbour

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  1. Never run out of pink Jaylusils– The Bong loves to eat. And he would rather pop his Jaylusil than Jaywalk (or any other form of walk) to digest all the elaborate meals he eats. Borrow one when you need.
  2. Or cough syrup – The Bong’s fear of cold is legendary. So he will always be stacked with generous doses of cough syrup that can cure coughs of any intensity
  3. Don’t mind the fish. Just keep the Room Freshener handy – The fish raises a stink especially if the household loves the infamous sutki. Believe me, you could have done worse
  4. Be treated to Bajarer tholi in multiple colours – How seriously the Bong takes his eating is evident from how seriously he takes his weekly shopping. So he has neatly color-coded bags for the vegetables, the mutton and the fish. Admire the art work
  5. Watch the nakhras of Chapar ma – The Bengali mem sahib loves her maid in waiting. And for some reason the maid’s original name is forgotten and she is fondly called Chapar maa after a largely absent Chapa. Chapar ma almost wields as much influence and has as much style as mem sahib.
  6. They own the neighbourhood library under one roof – Every respectable bong household will have the ‘Boi er Almari’. The phoren returned bong will insist calling it ‘Almirah’. If you are borrowing a book, make sure you return it wrapped in brown paper. So that the favors continue
  7. The tantalizing aroma of Kasundi – Or the mustard sauce. It is worth making friends with a Bong for just this. You are forgiven if you smuggle it out under a shawl
  8. A pretty, fiery Bong teen for a neighbour – Brush up on your Karl Marx and your annual marks before dating her though
  9. And her Mom – The Bengali boudi who wears back-less blouses and sports large Bindis will make most men go weak in their knees. It isn’t a crime to ogle as long as you do it tastefully
  10. The good Dada – The Bengali dada is the most affable neighbour if you can tolerate his psychoanalysis of every incident occurring in this universe. From Pinochet to Pinochio he has an opinion on everything. Barring that, he is pretty harmless.
  11. The melodious morning alarm – Every Bong household has atleast one person who can sing. So you wake up to fusion Rabindra Sangeet. Well better than Honey Singh’s vodka anyday
  12. Someone who can tell you how Bymkesh Bakshi is pronounced – So that you claim your intellectual right to watch the sleuth in action
  13. The India’s got talent household – Not just a singer. An average bong household will also have a painter, a writer, a dancer, a debator, an orator, an alligator. Ok the last is a typo
  14. No sweat over your PhD thesis – You only have to keep dada in good humour. And never call Boudi aunty
  15. The introduction to the mysterious world of Bengali dak naam – You will hear the doting Bengali mom call her kids by an amazing variety of names. You may finally start piecing together why a boy is called ‘Pompa’
  16. Even the dogs have elaborate names – What do you call your dog? Tommy. Learn from the Bong boudi. She will have a 108 imaginative names for her beloved dog
  17. The mishtir thala – The Bong will feed you with special Kolkata sweets on every good occasion. Which is usually 12 times a year. Because his kids will keep acing all exams.
  18. The occasional torko – To fight or quarrel are above Bong sensibilities. But yes he loves his refined torko. If that degenerates into a fist-fight, it isn’t really the same thing.
  19. The football fundas – Never slip on the difference between Messi and Ronaldo again. The Bong guys have all the stats
  20. The walking versions of Quora.com – Have a question? The Bong has an answer. Period
  21. Referee the Ghoti-Bangal debate – If you have a neighbour from East Bengal and one from West, you will be caught in the constant verbal exchange between them. You can choose to be martyred. Or choose to watch the fun
  22. The 50 lessons of being a bhadralok – Learn the nuances of babugiri from the Bengali bhadralok. Complete with the koncha
  23. Learn to play the dhak – Move over guitar, playing the dhak is uber cool. Every Bong can or atleast pretends to play the dhak. Pick up a treat.
  24. Caste no bar – The liberal Bong will not mind who you are, where are you from. As long as you love him
  25. Generous dose of Sabdhanis – The bong uncle lives in eternal fear of being robbed, mobbed, kidnapped or teleported. His many locks on his door will inspire you to be a little more cautious too. A handy trait in today’s world
  26. The annual function is taken care of – Outsource all the annual day cultural stuff to your Bong neighbours and put your feet up. They are good natured and broad minded enough to accommodate one Daler Mehndi number. They will draw the line at Mika though.
  27. You will be relentlessly tortured about the proper meaning of nyaka – But thank your stars that that’s where most Bong expletives stop.
  28. Sail through all local quiz competitions with your neighbour in tow. The collective bong GK shames the Wikipedia
  29. The Dada vs Dada fights – You have your Sachin. He has his Sourav. The fights can be entertaining ways of beating the blues after India’s loss in every third overseas match
  30. No gain without pen – The Bongs love their literature. Outsource all your writing (you may get away with sneaking in the laundry list) to him and catch the afternoon nap
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