The muffler is an extremely clever piece of work. I will go a step further to say it is the cleverest, most versatile things known to man and woman. Admittedly its closest competitor the towel has been given an unfair edge by Douglas Adams eulogies. But a quick research proves that the muffler is a knotch above. Nothing as sophisticated has been knotted around the delicate necks of men and women more since the cobra wrapped around Shivas neck. It can easily transition from one form to another- from a fanda to a jhanda. The variety of colors make it the flag of all flavours. Fly the white muffler when you want a truce and it has the effect of a 1000 pigeons. Immediate peace. And India and Pakistan live happily ever after. In times of war, it becomes a fierce combat weapon. Ideal as a sling shot. Or hand to hand combat. A muffler could help you sail through most valentine days- pun intended. Use the muffler to gag the dog and then as a rope to swing up to your girl’s balcony. Then knot it into a flower to woo her. . In less violent times, a muffler alternately becomes a pillow, a cushion and a handkerchief- helping you hike through the world with a kind of motherly protection. A muffler comes to the rescue in a myriad of tricky situations. Missed the gym? Use the muffler as a skipping rope. Forgot the belt? Tie the muffler around your trousers to keep up your modesty. Have a grudge? Use the muffler to strangle the boss and then innocently gift it to his secretary. The muffler is a talisman against evil. The muffler can be alternately tied around the ears, or the mouth or the eyes so it becomes the true implementor of the See no evil. Hear no evil. Think no evil legacy. Even if it cannot solve all of the nation’s problems, it can at least shield you from them. In its humblest form, the muffler can protect you against the bitter Delhi cold. And stay with you long after you have thrown in the towel. The attachment of the man with the muffler is unmistakably strong.
While you sent roses and sang songs, I fought. I sprayed. I drank tea. I flew the muffler. I sat on a dharna For the dozen causes. That can deliver our nation. Here is my 12 point agenda:
Legalize khaps – I seriously think we should legalize them. I mean we promote so many of our encounter cops. So what’s wrong with the khops oops khaps? Plus the shameless boys and girls have no business to run away. The Mumbai traffic would have killed them anyway.
Ban valentine day – such a shameless western concept. I mean they could have renamed it to kamasutra or khajuraho day.? But valentine. Down with it.
Against eating chow mein – we hate chow mein. And more so the people who eat them. And go looking for houses in the capital. Of course they are provocative. I mean did you ever look a those slender, size zero things – meaning the chowmeins of course?
Against the rising rupee- All that hard work for a NRI groom is pointless if he cannot buy you the Taj Mahal with his daily wage. Unless he is Satya Nadella.
Against Satya Nadella – where he gets a 112 cr and my genuine windows still hangs, just when irctc was giving me a ticket. At the 112th try. we should launch a pirate soft as a challenge
Against the irctc haters- you loafers. What would you have done with the remain 23 hours 59 minutes if irctc worked in a jiffy. Irctc is the governments way of keeping crimes in check.
Against the 377 baters- what? You want to love another man. Love your ma, silly boy. That’s the only love we can safely legitimise. And if you still have some love left, give every battered heir coming out of Arnab Goswamis studio a tight hug.
Free Asaram Bapu – and get him on big boss. With so much love in him, he could finally get Salman Khan to marry and save stray deer and people. While finding his third wife on the show.
Legitimise dharnas – especially the ones on busy metro stations. In colourful mufflers. Think how dreary it would be if we went to school, office and hospitals in time everyday. Keep the surprise. Join the dharna.
Free tea on every tap – with all the charcha, I demand free cha. If we can’t have water, let us drink tea. Apologies to Mary Antoniette.
Ban Elections. Have a fair contest – Who can shoot pepper spray the furthest? Who can break maximum tables in 1 minute? Now those are fair ways to elect our leaders. After all you should judge people on their best talents.
Declare a world muffler day – muffler is the new towel. ( Read Douglas Adams!). It is versatile, it is multi purpose, it is the invention of a sheerly brilliant mind. Use it as a flag, a gag, a combat weapon or a skipping rope. And it is certified to be safer than the pepper spray.