Neighbors from hell

There are 2 things that the country runs on – josh and padosh. Imagine how dreary our existence would have been if we had no padosi or padosan. No peeping into their homes. No fighting over whose kid is the best. No competition on who has the biggest TV. No wake-up call at midnight asking for shoe polish. And though these may be neighbours from hell, there needs to be a ‘Save the neighbors’ movement. To preserve the last desi thing standing after globalization. Life is dull unless you have neighbours like this

 

Chand Ka Tukda – The hot girl or boy who lives in the house opposite. Who as part of their teasing game does the morning push-ups or brushes the hair on the balcony. But trust me, they will always like your best friend who just dropped in your place for a day. And you have to spend the rest of your life wat chingyour best friend and the ‘chand ka tukda’ romance on the balcony opposite.

 

The Sakkar wali aunty – There will always be that one aunty who runs out of sakkar every other day. You are never sure if she really needs the sugar or is again making sure your TV is 1 and a 1/2 inches smaller than hers. Either way your sugar bill beats the electricity bill. Like god said ‘Love your neighbours’.

 

 

 

The sak-karne wali aunty (or uncle) – The species that puts most conspiracy theorists to shame. They spend considerable amount of time snooping on their spouses and Mrs Khanna. Their houses are heavily curtained with a small opening from where they train their periscope and no body steps out of their house without a black tika

The spy kids – The well-informed family that always knows whats happening in the padosh. And keep everyone else informed. If only Mr Singh had listened to their friendly warnings, Humpty would not have eloped with Dumpty. They will know more about you, your non-existent love life, your job, your boss than the NSA could ever know about people on their list.

The naughty kid and the screaming parents – Every moholla has that absolutely intolerable kid who breaks windows, trips people and says ‘Boo’, scares away the chowkidaar and beats up all other kids. You may have forgiven this kid if not for the parents. The thumb rule is the loudness of the parents is exponentially proportional to the naughtiness of the kid. Which will make sure that no one dares point a finger at Babloo.

The ‘Bhrastologer’ – Every padosh has an amateur astrologer who claims to predict your fate with a near perfect accuracy. You hate him from the day he predicted that you will be passed over for promotion again and there is no immediate yog for marriage. You think his is only an act to get  the women drooling over him.

The peace-maker – The one elderly ‘sarpanch’ who brokers peace between Baloo’s amma and Guddi’s papa. He is a valuable asset to any padosh- there would have been pitched battles in every moholla otherwise severely straining our inadequate police-force. You would have liked the self-appointed sarpanch if you did not have to endure his sermon on declining values after every fight.

The hell-raiser – The macho boy who raises hell every morning as he starts his new bike. This is after you could not sleep last night because the ‘kewl’ party at his home

The Fling-stones – The grumpy neighbours who are perennially annoyed and are thin-skinned enough to get disturbed by anything.. They will knock your doors loudly at 2 am. And declared they are getting disturbed. By you watching TV on the mute.

The neighborhood romance – The lovey-dovey couple. Who surprises you at the unlikeliest places. The dimly lit parking lot. The terrace. The neighborhood park. You would have endured their ‘coochie-coos’ if your love life did not suck as much.

The ‘Chance pe Dance’ – That one super-enthusiastic man or woman who was born to sing and dance. She will scoop you off your bed on holi, insist you go berserk on Diwali and make sure you dance in each moholla function despite looking ridiculous.

The curious cat – ‘Why haven’t you got married yet?’ ‘When will you get kids?’ ‘How much does your son earn?’ Facing the FBI will be cake-walk after facing your nosey-neighbors.

The cat-owner- – Yes, of course. You love animals too. But hate the large log being late lose you decided to take the rare stroll around the park. Or tripping over the dozen cats who give you nasty grins. All in front of your own front-door.

The ‘Mere paas bangla hai, car hai’ – And you cannot even respond with a ‘Mere paas ma hai’ because that pompous idiot has a pompous mom who goes about decked in diamonds. You suspect those are all artificial diamonds and the money is all black money. Yeah, grapes are sour!

Dharna Dozen – The 12 point agenda to save the nation

While you sent roses and sang songs, I fought. I sprayed. I drank tea. I flew the muffler. I sat on a dharna For the dozen causes. That can deliver our nation. Here is my 12 point agenda:

Legalize khaps – I seriously think we should legalize them. I mean we promote so many of our encounter cops. So what’s wrong with the khops oops khaps? Plus the shameless boys and girls have no business to run away. The Mumbai traffic would have killed them anyway.

Ban valentine day – such a shameless western concept. I mean they could have renamed it to kamasutra or khajuraho day.? But valentine. Down with it.

Against eating chow mein – we hate chow mein. And more so the people who eat them. And go looking for houses in the capital. Of course they are provocative. I mean did you ever look a those slender, size zero things – meaning the chowmeins of course?

Against the rising rupee- All that hard work for a NRI groom is pointless if he cannot buy you the Taj Mahal with his daily wage. Unless he is Satya Nadella.

Against Satya Nadella – where he gets a 112 cr and my genuine windows still hangs, just when irctc was giving me a ticket. At the 112th try. we should launch a pirate soft as a challenge

Against the irctc haters- you loafers. What would you have done with the remain 23 hours 59 minutes if irctc worked in a jiffy. Irctc is the governments way of keeping crimes in check.

Against the 377 baters- what? You want to love another man. Love your ma, silly boy.  That’s the only love we can safely legitimise. And if you still have some love left, give every battered heir coming out of Arnab Goswamis studio a tight hug.

Free Asaram Bapu – and get him on big boss. With so much love in him, he could finally get Salman Khan to marry and save stray deer and people. While finding his third wife on the show.

Legitimise dharnas – especially the ones on busy metro stations. In colourful mufflers. Think how dreary it would be if we went to school, office and hospitals in time everyday. Keep the surprise. Join the dharna.

Free tea on every tap – with all the charcha, I demand free cha. If we can’t have water, let us drink tea. Apologies to Mary Antoniette.

Ban Elections. Have a fair contest – Who can shoot pepper spray the furthest? Who can break maximum tables in 1 minute? Now those are  fair ways to elect our leaders. After all you should judge people on their best talents.

Declare a world muffler day – muffler is the new towel. ( Read Douglas Adams!). It is versatile, it is multi purpose, it is the invention of a sheerly brilliant mind. Use it as a flag, a gag, a combat weapon or a skipping rope. And it is certified to be safer than the pepper spray.

Desi Boy

The unequation

If only..you had..

Are you leading the ‘If only’ life? How many of times have you wished you had taken the chance, given a chance,  walked out, spoken up, reached out, said no when it mattered, said yes when it could have mattered, moved on, slowed down? Its only one life. One chance. Spot yourself in any of the boxes below? And catch yourself saying What if. What if you had…?

50 Reasons to date a Bong Boy

A number of people have been writing to me asking why I do not speak for the men? Well, why not?. I mean without men, who would fix the pipes and inspire all the beer jokes? Ok enough of my counter chauvinism, there are a lot of reasons that men are great. And because its Durga Pujo time I guess its ok to narrow down a bit and bat for Bong guys in particular. Here are 50 reasons why dating a Bong guy is a swell idea. And now there’s a bonus 51st!

1. How can you not like someone who has such adorable pet names(daknaam) as Golu, Gogol,  Gablu?
2. Man You know your Man U – How can you resist someone who loves something as fatafati as football?
3. Buddy over body – The bong boy is the nice, sweet friend. He will carry your gym bag even if he does not have the gym-toned body
4. He has a Maa who makes awesome food and you will get invited to enough of her home cooked meals
5. He has a Maa who dotes on him so much that you do not have to feel guilty about neglecting him once in a while
6. His relationship with the other maa-the chosmaa is just as endearing
7. He is a little less brawny than the Punjabi boy. A little less wily than the Tams. But he packs in all the goodness in between
8. Write club over fight club – he would not be seen around a fight club but his writing makes up for the lack of fighting
9. He will sing for you – The rare male who has been trained in music and sings in tune
10. His qualifications would cover pages –Chances are he may have more degrees than you can remember
11. He writes better poetry than the average Bollywood lyricist
12. He is snobbish and you would once in a while enjoy turning up your nose with him at the rest of the world
13. He will have a long list of fun relations and they have adorable names such as Phool mama and phool masi(Flower Aunt. Flower uncle)
14. He is extra chivalrous. He wouldn’t let out a cat whistle at the girls
15. Most girls would be his confirmed sisters(This is tricky- listen carefully to the ‘dada’ intonation). You can be both relieved and tensed at this
16. No ugly boxing champ posters on his wall. There may be one Stallone with dreamy eyes
17. He will zealously help you with the homework
18. He has won atleast one debate on ‘Pen is mightier than the sword’ – he debates with a lot of oomph
19. Yes he is the archetypal argumentative Indian. He would have an opinion on everything. And you would love debating with him
20. He loves his fish but does not fish for money- He doesn’t marry a girl for the bank balance, usually!
21. He is the rare metrosexual man – so no hangups about going into the kitchen and putting on the apron
22. The suave Bong is liberated, smart and cosmopolitan. There are the opposite extremes too. So choose wisely
23. He is senti and that can make you mental. Handle him with care but you wouldn’t mind the mush once in a while
24. He drools over all the s’es so even when you are quarrelling, it is musical
25. Pick a bone over break a bone for him. So at the worst you will have slaughtered fishes not broken limbs on his trail
26. He has won atleast one of Bournvita quiz contest, Mastermind etc etc. What a thing to brag about!
27. He hates KBC because it commercializes quizzing. After seeing Sr bacchan hem and haw you agree with him
28. He secretly loves Bollywood though his favourite movies would always be inscrutable Hollywood movies.
29. You can borrow vintage Hollywood DVDs and put them on your CD rack if only to show off
30. He would have a really difficult to pronounce name but you can shorten it to a cool Anglicized one. All Bongs are a little Angrez at heart
31. He would introduce you to the hippie crowd at Park Street
32. And to the bohemian intellectuals of Presidency college
33. His friends would refer to you as boudi even before you have thought about marriage. Irritating yes but kinda sweet too
34. The Bong guy may come across as gentle and harmless but in matters of love he stands up for you
35. A lot of divisions that matter so much in rest of India do not matter much in Calcutta. Here the only classifications are left, lefter, leftest
36. His leftist tendencies could be romantic. The Yogi life isn’t so bad
37. He would prefer Pondicherry to Paris for a holiday and you may end up liking the offbeat choices
38. He wouldn’t bash up your bro, he would logically explain why he is the right guy
39. His once in a year Durga Pujo dress would be dhooti-punjabi. And that is drool worthy!
40. He is terrible at the disc. But his dhunuchi and bisorjon dance rock
41. At some point of time he would have tried his hand at a rock band and he would own atleast one of a guitar, harmonium, table, ektara, tanpura, violin phew!
42. You would discover adda on the rocks and that is the next best thing to happen after Adam and Eve’s time in Eden
43. He would get drunk on Bangla but a drunk bong is more entertainment than menacing
44. Most creative things in this world have been produced by inebriated Bongs
45. He is not looking for a trophy wife. So you can junk the salon routine once in a while
46. He could fly off the handle if you mispronounce that Russian novelist’s name- trust me better than boyfriends who fly off the handle over  messed up Russian salads
47. Your children would get really uncommon names, thanks to his love for the exotic. Never mind that the poor kids would spend a life time getting the spelling right
48. He will get or bake you the most delicious desserts for your birthday. Seriously!
49. While you are just getting saturated with all the sweetness, he would surprise you with the uncharacteristic fury. When you have dared say that the Tams are wiser than the Bongs.
50. He would have a long list of diversions – theatre, books, football. Easier competition than other women!
51. The Bong boy is little mirchi, a trifle misthi and mostly fun. If you can tolerate his idiosyncrasies life with him would be kinda nice and calm. With occasional surprises

The fallacy of superiority

The complicated life of a brown Super Man

I had a hilarious time reading the American outrage at  Nina Davuluri becoming Miss America. This started me thinking. What if this gets bigger, will the barbs get sharper. For example  whatif we had a brown superman. Would his life be messier? And heres this super list(created by a brown girl) on why a brown supermans life will be really complicated

1. Have you faced security checks at USA? When they have so much problem with you flying in a plane, imagine the scare a brown man flying on his own can cause?
2. So you thought the Arab barbs hurt. That would be nothing as compared with the ‘barbs’ this guy would face
3. His red cape would be mistaken for a fancy red sari and security protocols in Amreeka dictate everyone in a sari, including ambassadors and supermen must be thoroughly searched.
4. He couldn’t have an American girl friend- Americans would think this a ploy to get a green card and the Indians would think that’s a ploy to trap their good, desi boy
5. A good Indian wife would never tolerate a husband flying in and out of windows
6. A good Indian mom would feed him ghee ki puris and besan ke laddoo everytime he flies in. Unless he would be in no shape to fly out
7. The whole underwear over pants thing would get really messy in tropical weather
8. Everyone from Shahrukh Khan to Virat Kohli would come and given him complex about his brown skin unless he secretively went to buy a Fair and handsome tube
9. If the fairness ads are to be believed, he would not have the girls drooling over him. Whats Superman without the super girls?
10. His wings would be clipped. Imagine in a country that clips RTI, what ruckus a flying surveillance man would cause. They would amend the constitution to ban flying men.
11. In Bengal, there would be an all party bandh- Superman causing inefficient havildar to lose jobs
12. The left would protest the FDI in aviation – Foreign Direct idea
13. The right would worry  at small us annoying big US
14. Finally the only one left supporting Superman is Arnab Goswami. Or Ram jethmalani
15. After being grilled for an hour on India wants to know how you fly – Superman would give up and become a godman
16. His dad would rather him have a flying career than a flying son
17. His would be in law would ask him- Woh sab toh thik hai but kamate kitne ho?
18. In a country where the  .9 billion don’t know anything about flying, people would protest his special status
19. A panchayat would probe and probe his caste. Are XYX caste allowed to fly?
20. He would be hired to fly politicians during election times
21. And if he still had time left he would be asked to give the ministers babies and babas joyrides- man! Some bribe toh banta hai for letting you fly

Unfair and Lovely

An Indian American was crowned Miss America and unfortunately there was a tirade of racial outbursts in America. http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/a-lot-of-people-are-very-upset-that-an-indian-american-woman Sadder still, we aren’t kind to brown skin ourselves either.

Friday the 13th