Damn It – IT Jargons demystified for the common man

Standard

I am innovating – I am control C’ing and control V’ing and changing the font

Bug – The raison d’être for a multi-billion dollar industry And the 999th upgrade

Upgrade – A new app which will replace the old app. And make all systems crash. So that you need more upgrades. Without understanding why they did the first upgrade.

Jargon – The universal mother-tongue. Somewhat like the emperor’s new clothes. Only the initiated and the intelligent understand

Cutting edge solution – The application comes with automatic pop-ups. That correctly do not work when you have pop-up blockers on. See the science!

Issue – The cue to run around like headless chickens

Delivery – Nothing to do with the labor room. And in their scary world, you have the issue first then do the delivery.

Business transformation – Changing the password box to display dots instead of stars. To align with the democratic times

Onsite – The magical land where the stars are sent

Offshore – The underbelly where the rest are doomed to live

MBA – The revenge. If you got overlooked for the onsite yet again

Customer – The ‘you know who’ whose name is supposed to be reverently uttered

Managers – The ones with the privilege to shake the customer’s hand

Work under pressure – Ability to solve an issue at 2 am. When the manager, the senior manager, the assistant manager, the general manager and the assistant general manager are breathing on the phone

100% commitment – You can come as you like. You will go as they like

Risk Assessment – A balanced assessment of whether you should drop the 1001st comment line

Meetings – The recursive things where they earlier served free coffee

Coffee – The earlier free thing which you have to now raise a requisition for or do a BYOC

BYOD – The novel scheme where your device is the chosen one to test all apps. You are expected to show proper gratitude

Con Call – The call where you never understand kaun is conning kaun

Expert – The one who has read 16 ‘’How to be an expert in 16 hours” documents in a 16 hour flight

The Guru – The one who reads the same documents in an 18 hour flight

Thought Leadership – The ability to rephrase your competitor. And add a 2.0 at the end.

Environment friendly – Calling all juniors to work on weekends. And thoughtfully switching off the AC.

Cost optimization – Giving you a 0.75% raise. And proving you deserved .74% only

Raise – The lift you are supposed to give your chair every morning. All other raises are mythical

Performance Bonus – The ugly mug with the company logo. And you are supposed to smile while they all click a photo

Incentive – When they give you 2 ugly mugs in a year

Appraisal – Where they will use your data to prove you are a failure

Promotion meetings – Where they will use their data to prove you are a failure

Photography – The crucial differentiator in 99.9% CVS. The remaining .1% list advanced photography

Leave – Censored dirty talk

Long Leave – Life ban attracting dirty talk

I need a life – Ok. Enough. You have a life ban. Now go get a life. ( Said with the proper snigger)

Dish-Calmer – All the IT guys. Before you throw dishes at me. You might want to call a meeting and decide who throws the first dish. On a serious note there are some brilliant work going on there. Yes, I am absolutely sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 responses »

  1. Excellent!

    My two cents.
    1> IT industry is like a homoeopathic goli. At the beginning it puts the patients (I mean the great Indian ITers) in trouble but at the end it forces them into entrepreneurship!

    2> Discussion on IT isn’t complete without a mention of “EMI”. EMI is such an external force that ties all the IT professionals into a single sting and therefore the industry moves!

    Happy reading 🙂

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